After the Exam

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I’ve been on a sea of emotions. I had highs and lows since the last blog post. I’ve smiled, cried, experienced peace and chaos. I was worried, nervous, and overwhelmed. I felt that life was on hold. I focused so much on the graduate school entry exam. The focus was so much that was causing me to neglect everything else. In a way, I stopped living and enjoying life.

It never occurred to me what I was going to do the next day.

I find interesting how much value I gave to the exam: it seemed the only thing that mattered. I forgot about everything. I had an anxiety attack the evening prior the exam. I thought that I was done. It was so intense that I was thinking that maybe I wasn’t meant to go to graduate school. All of my confidence disappeared. I took my anxiety attack personal. I was angry with myself. I was disappointed.

The following morning, the anxiety went away. I wasn’t scared anymore. I felt ready and optimistic. After all the mental torture from days prior, the moment was just right. I did the exam and received my scores. I did okay. All the stress I had wasn’t there anymore. I felt much lighter and calm. Then I realized that I didn’t have a plan after the exam. I felt confused.

I realized that I wasn’t enjoying my life, or living it. The exam became my world and solely purpose. It was a bittersweet feeling. This brings me to the idea about awareness and attention. I was aware of the exam, and I dedicated all of my attention to it. I left the rest unattended. I’m back to normal now. This experience showed me the value of attention. I’ll be working on being more aware of it. If I let my attention free, there is a chance that I focus on something that is not essential. It can be a powerful thing that could cause me happiness or misery.

What I’m attending to? How do I feel about it? Can I do something about it?

I’ll be asking myself these questions.

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  1. Anxiety is my personal monster that rode shotgun on my way to and from work every day. It’s not fun. It eventually led me to seek professional help because I couldn’t get through a day without becoming distracted by useless worry. It took a lot of patience and regular doctor visits to get to where I am today. I’m telling you this because you’re not alone lol. I graduated a couple of years ago. The exams that used to stress me out involved my instructor leaning over my shoulder watching my every move as I operated a mixing console (audio production major). Been there! Give yourself time and patience to identify your triggers and learn coping strategies (easier said than done, I know). Forgive yourself for mistakes and always look forward, even when it seems literally impossible. Best of luck!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for the kind words. I’m working on my anxiety on a regular basis. I was one of those days where everything seems wrong. Congratulations on getting your degree! I’ll graduate next semester. Thank you for reading.

      Liked by 1 person

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