I’ve been on a sea of emotions. I had highs and lows since the last blog post. I’ve smiled, cried, experienced peace and chaos. I was worried, nervous, and overwhelmed. I felt that life was on hold. I focused so much on the graduate school entry exam. The focus was so much that was causing me to neglect everything else. In a way, I stopped living and enjoying life.
It never occurred to me what I was going to do the next day.
I find interesting how much value I gave to the exam: it seemed the only thing that mattered. I forgot about everything. I had an anxiety attack the evening prior the exam. I thought that I was done. It was so intense that I was thinking that maybe I wasn’t meant to go to graduate school. All of my confidence disappeared. I took my anxiety attack personal. I was angry with myself. I was disappointed.
The following morning, the anxiety went away. I wasn’t scared anymore. I felt ready and optimistic. After all the mental torture from days prior, the moment was just right. I did the exam and received my scores. I did okay. All the stress I had wasn’t there anymore. I felt much lighter and calm. Then I realized that I didn’t have a plan after the exam. I felt confused.
I realized that I wasn’t enjoying my life, or living it. The exam became my world and solely purpose. It was a bittersweet feeling. This brings me to the idea about awareness and attention. I was aware of the exam, and I dedicated all of my attention to it. I left the rest unattended. I’m back to normal now. This experience showed me the value of attention. I’ll be working on being more aware of it. If I let my attention free, there is a chance that I focus on something that is not essential. It can be a powerful thing that could cause me happiness or misery.
What I’m attending to? How do I feel about it? Can I do something about it?
I’ll be asking myself these questions.