I’ve been on a sea of emotions. I had highs and lows since the last blog post. I’ve smiled, cried, experienced peace and chaos. I was worried, nervous, and overwhelmed. I felt that life was on hold. I focused so much on the graduate school entry exam. The focus was so much that was causing me to neglect everything else. In a way, I stopped living and enjoying life.
It never occurred to me what I was going to do the next day.
I find interesting how much value I gave to the exam: it seemed the only thing that mattered. I forgot about everything. I had an anxiety attack the evening prior the exam. I thought that I was done. It was so intense that I was thinking that maybe I wasn’t meant to go to graduate school. All of my confidence disappeared. I took my anxiety attack personal. I was angry with myself. I was disappointed.
The following morning, the anxiety went away. I wasn’t scared anymore. I felt ready and optimistic. After all the mental torture from days prior, the moment was just right. I did the exam and received my scores. I did okay. All the stress I had wasn’t there anymore. I felt much lighter and calm. Then I realized that I didn’t have a plan after the exam. I felt confused.
I realized that I wasn’t enjoying my life, or living it. The exam became my world and solely purpose. It was a bittersweet feeling. This brings me to the idea about awareness and attention. I was aware of the exam, and I dedicated all of my attention to it. I left the rest unattended. I’m back to normal now. This experience showed me the value of attention. I’ll be working on being more aware of it. If I let my attention free, there is a chance that I focus on something that is not essential. It can be a powerful thing that could cause me happiness or misery.
What I’m attending to? How do I feel about it? Can I do something about it?
I’ll be asking myself these questions.
Anxiety is my personal monster that rode shotgun on my way to and from work every day. It’s not fun. It eventually led me to seek professional help because I couldn’t get through a day without becoming distracted by useless worry. It took a lot of patience and regular doctor visits to get to where I am today. I’m telling you this because you’re not alone lol. I graduated a couple of years ago. The exams that used to stress me out involved my instructor leaning over my shoulder watching my every move as I operated a mixing console (audio production major). Been there! Give yourself time and patience to identify your triggers and learn coping strategies (easier said than done, I know). Forgive yourself for mistakes and always look forward, even when it seems literally impossible. Best of luck!
Thank you for the kind words. I’m working on my anxiety on a regular basis. I was one of those days where everything seems wrong. Congratulations on getting your degree! I’ll graduate next semester. Thank you for reading.